A Little Bit Of Rambling Never Hurt Right?

Over the past year I've had little time to write, but plenty of time to let my mind wander. As usual, I have a half a million questions that I know can't or won't be answered. The main focus of my wanderings tonight though are on something that has become expected of every single person on this God foresaken planet. Discontent.

Why is it a basic human instinct to want more in life? It seems like everytime someone, be it a celebrity or your next door neighbor, has the whole world within their grasp they want more? But really, what more is there to have when you have everything?

I feel like an absolute cynic, which I'd like to think I'm not but it's honestly starting to seem that way. People talk about their happiness, their love, and whatever else it is that makes them want to walk on water... then they go do something to screw it all up. Infidelity runs rampent in this society. So why put yourself through that? Even if we seem happy now, it's almost as if we can't be for too long. Once we've played the house for a while, it's only a matter of time before we want to find something to liven up whatever is missing... and lets face it, there's always something missing.

It sounds terrible but is it not the truth? Is it not why the divorce rate is up and infidelity is one of the most talked about topics in tabloids and other "self help" magazines? I mean just as I got on the internet, my MSN homepage had an article advertisement entitled "Could Your Marriage Survive an Affair." I mean really?

I don't feel like the people are the issue, it's basic human nature to want more and to be curious. Why don't people just put the blame on the institution of marriage, or on the fairy tale garbage parents put in our heads about "Prince Charming" and "Happily Ever After."

With all of that said. I hope that I'm wrong, I hope that there is a such thing as a "Happily Ever After" because if there isn't then so many people will go their whole lives searching for something that will never be. Personally, I'd like to believe I've found mine... but I know how the story goes and I try not to take a blind eye to the realities that come with the world in which we live.

Confusion

Have you ever had a feeling you just can't shake? Like a week ago I thought I was happy with the way my life is going but now I can't help but feel completely empty. It's not that broken hearted, can't eat, can't sleep kind of emptiness... Just discontent with no knowledge of how to change it.
As always, I thought I had everything planned out; it was all straight in my mind. I mean who wouldn't want to be completely unattached to anything in their life, no true obligations other than working four days a week... but that's obviously not how I was built to function. I can't keep going on unattached to the things in my life. I'm not by any means unhappy, just fed up with the numbness that has become my only emotion.
I feel like I'm sitting here watching my life pass me by. Or maybe it was better put by my friend who said "it's like watching the world without my contacts." It's like I can see everything happening but it's in a big blur, nothing is solid or clear. I want more than this, and I'm not sure what that entails. I'm at this point where I want to cut ties with all of the dead ends that I continue to run into and just want to turn around and find a street that will actually lead me to something better. I miss being genuinely happy and actually smiling with purpose rather than just to make people happy.
I look back at the pictures from this past summer and see that I can be genuinely happy. Now I just need to find a way back to it.
... I don't have a plan but I do believe that you shouldn't complain unless you have a way to make things better. I will do SOMETHING about this... but I have no idea what. I guess I just need to be patient and wait to find out what's in store for me.
I just wish I wasn't so impatient for change.

As Always...

As I predicted I neglected my blog for far too long and the sad part is that I have no idea what to write.
... Maybe exhaustion? Maybe taking on too much at one time? That sounds all too negative.
But in all honesty that's why I haven't written in a while and I can't say that I'm sorry because I love every minute of my busy, crazy life. It's better than being bored, sitting in a dorm room like the lazy oaf I used to be.
Seriously, could life get any better than doing well in school and having WAY TOO MUCH FUN at work? I mean... I'm sure it could ... but still. Not too many people can say that. I go to school for all of 3 hours a day and go to work and meet the most interesting people every night.
I wish everyone could love their work. I grew up listening to my parents complain about their careers and I remember thinking "I never want to grow up and get a job." I think I've been extremely blessed with amazing jobs and amazing co-workers.
... Now if only I could stop being so tired, I'd have it made!

Time to Get What We Deserve...

Control, one word that has been chained to women by the men in there lives for centuries. Since the Ancient Agrarian times women have been belittled and seen as the weaker sex. Which to me makes absolutely no sense since we are the ones who endure men's stupidity and child birth. I, of course, can say I have been, and maybe still am one of those women controlled by a man. Even when I thought I had cut the chains after I forced him out of my life I only just found out that he had only loosened those chains.
But then you can say "well at least you notice it, that's the first step." But the funny part is I noticed it three years ago and still stayed loyal. I broke up with him and still he has this obscene control over my emotions that only he and my male family members have ever been able to bring out in me. So my question is... When is it time to take the next step? How do I get out of the shackles that have been so tightly fitted around my wrists and ankles?
Since the break up I have found the things I deserve and I have raised the bar as far as my standards are concerned. I can honestly say I have no feelings for the jackass whatsoever... But every time I hear that condescending voice I snap... I lose my cool and am overcome by anxiety and anger.
I'm smart, I'm funny, and I'm not unbearable in the looks department. I'm strong and independent and I absolutely LOVE my life. There is no explanation as to why I get to frustrated when he calls... The intelligent task would be don't pick up but overly nice me always does.
I know I'm not the only one in this situation, I actually just read a book about women who are in the same positions as me. I can honestly say it may have changed my life. I won't be listening to him anymore, I won't be waiting for any man to call, I won't do anything I don't want to do. I will get what I deserve and I am ready to find it. I'm done with the emotional abuse and the tears. I'm happy and plan only to get happier. Here's my next step... The shackles, oh honey, they're gone... FOR GOOD

It's That Time Again...

It's that time again... Right after you recover from all of the holiday tension. The time when you find yourself loading up on artificial cheese snacks and carbo loaded beers... Yep... It's time for the NFL playoffs.
Now I LOVE football like any other red blooded, carnivorous American but seriously... This season ssssuuuuccckkss. Yes, maybe I am only saying that because my boys handed their playoff shot to the Eagles last weekend. But seriously... the Dolphins made the playoffs after there 1-15 season last season... and the Cowboys didn't? What the heck?
What was even worse was watching the Eagles play tonight and knowing right after Jared Allen made those cocky gestures in the first quarter that the Vikings were doomed... If not just for karma's sake.
On the plus side... The Chargers won on Saturday, along with the Cardinal's which means I still have some reason to watch in the coming weeks. Of course, I will most likely still be watching the Eagles play against the Giants, even if it is only to surprise my favorite Eagles fan with my knowledge of what happened.
I must say though... It would make for a very lucky year for Philly as a city if the Eagles made it to the Superbowl... I mean the World Series & the Superbowl? What are the odds? Not that I'm crossing my fingers or anything.

Party It Up...

So, the other night I ended up at a party with a few of my old friends thinking it would be pretty fun. Of course, everything started out great just a bunch of us goofing off... Then they proceeded to get trashed. I personally think getting wasted is stupid, I mean casual drinking is fine, but drinking with the primary purpose of getting drunk is ridiculous.
Now that I've started thinking about it I realize how stupid the party scene really is. When I was in high school I never cared about parties, as long as I had my friends I was fine. Once I got to college I went out more but I quickly found that huddling in a small, smelly basement with a bunch of touchy testosterone driven college guys wasn't my thing. I mean seriously, what's the point. I'd much rather meet sober people who can hold a conversation without immediately trying to get the hook up.
Maybe I'm just no fun, I don't know, and personally I don't care. I would much rather spend my Saturday night with my close friends at a movie, rather than playing pong with people who won't remember my name in the morning.

On a Different Note...
Last night was an embarassing night for my boys. The Eagles absolutely crushed us and took our spot in the playoffs. I must say though, I'm not all that surprised. The Boys had a pretty crappy season compared to their last season. I can only hope for something better next season. Till then it's the playoffs and listening to my favorite Eagles fan gloat about his win. I hope he's not expecting me to pretend to want the Eagles to make it to the Superbowl ;)

Every Song Reminds Me...

It's funny how everytime I turn on the radio I find new songs that remind me of someone or some situation I've been in. It doesn't matter who is singing, what genre, the content... Eveything reminds me of something in life.
I know I'm not the only one who feels this way because I've had people say "oh this song fits you so well" blah blah blah. But have you ever wondered what the story is behind the music? I mean music to me is poetry and when I listen to the songs I think that the interpretation is up to the listener.
At this very moment I'm listening to Secondhand Serenade, Fall For You. Everytime I hear the song I am reminded of my past. Then there's No Doubt's Just a Girl which reminds me of my home life... or even KC Brown's Instigator, which more then one person has told me should be my theme song to life.
Isn't it funny how these singer/songwriters write their music and we bend the words to fit our lives? To them it's just another chart topper but to us it's the music we laugh to, we cry to, we drive to... Hell if I didn't have music I don't know how I'd get through life.
Hmm... I apologize for the rambling... It was simply on my mind.